8. Emotional instability and loved ones

Many are thinking about how they could best help a loved one with emotional instability and doing everything they can to make that loved one feel better. Any time a person’s loved one is ill, they may need plenty of support themselves. As such, it is important to remember to take care of your own wellbeing and learn to identify factors that increase your wellbeing and prioritise taking care of yourself. By learning to communicate directly and honestly about your own coping, you can take care of both your own resources and your relationship with your loved one. 

An emotionally unstable person’s impulsive reactions or harmful behaviour towards themselves or others can stir up difficult emotions and worry and burden their loved ones.If instability is placing a heavy burden on the relationship between you and your loved one, you as a loved one can seek help and support from sources such as associations for loved ones and their peer support groups.  

Recovery

Sufficient recovery is a prerequisite for wellbeing. Recovery means the body and the mind being restored back to normal levels after strain. However, there is no need to avoid all strain. Having a balance between strain and recovery keeps you in good spirits and your body in good health. 

Whether your strain is pleasant or unpleasant, physical or psychological, you should keep a few rules of thumb in mind: 

1. The more something repeats unchanged, the more strain it places on you. 
2. The greater and more sudden a change is, the more strain it places on you.
3. The way to recover from strain is to do things that are different from the cause of the strain. 

Physical and psychological recovery are connected. If your mind is under strain, you may notice that physical strain becomes more difficult as well, and vice versa. Your strain may manifest itself as issues such as irritability, listlessness and sleep problems.  

The cornerstones of physical recovery are having a varied diet, engaging in enjoyable physical activity and getting enough sleep. In turn, your mind recovers the best when you get to be in contact with people important to you and do meaningful things. As such, supporting a loved one can actually enrich your own life as well. On the other hand, your mind also needs independent activities, meaning activities that you can determine yourself, as well as opportunities to learn new things or get better at a hobby, for example. 

When observing your own coping and recovery, you should keep in mind that recovery is not a task, nor should you feel pressured to achieve it. At best, identifying your own signs of strain and recovery methods will help you balance your everyday life.  

Adhering to your own boundaries and refusing to do things you do not want to do may cause the other person to have strong emotional reactions and behave accordingly. In fact, sometimes a person’s loved ones may fear bursts of emotion related to emotional instability and, in doing so, end up prioritising the needs of the person over their own. Some people are used to constantly carrying out tasks and taking too much responsibility, and this role may be difficult for them to shed. 

A tendency to carry the weight of another person’s emotions or protect oneself or the other person from difficult emotions is detrimental to both in the long run. When you refrain from doing things that you want or need and instead help a loved one beyond your own resources, you may start to build irritation and frustration towards the person you are helping.  

Maintaining your own boundaries will help you stay compassionate and friendly towards your loved one. In the long term, setting consistent boundaries also creates predictability and a sense of security, which a person with emotional instability needs in their relationships.  

Reinforce your own boundaries by thinking about how much you can help your loved one and communicating with them clearly. The foundation for support and help is engaging in open and fair interaction with everyone. You can tell your loved one directly what you are willing to do: how you can help, when and how you can be reached, what things you can take care of or what kind of behaviour you find acceptable. If you are feeling tired, you have other engagements or you do not want to do something, be bold and say no. You have the right to live your own life and take time for yourself, and you are not obligated to be available at all times. You cannot assume responsibility for your loved one’s emotions, emotional reactions and behaviour, and conversely, they are not responsible for ensuring that your boundaries are not crossed when you help them. 

You can also reinforce your boundaries by making sure that your have time for things that are important to you and give them space in your everyday life. For example, your friends and hobbies can serve as boundaries protecting you from a close relationship becoming too dominant. The better you know yourself, identify your own emotions and are able to listen to your own needs, the easier it is for you to adhere to your boundaries.

It is useful for both a person with emotional instability and their loved one to receive reliable information on emotional instability and its treatment. 

Emotional instability is associated with a wide variety of misunderstandings or beliefs that can have an adverse impact on treatment and relationships. It is useful for the loved one to learn to examine their own beliefs and interpretations, as well as the emotions and impulses that they give rise to.  

Even though research has shown that it is very much possible to recover from instability, many still believe that emotional instability cannot be changed. If a loved one does not believe in the possibility of change, they may not be able to support their loved one in making a change. Their desire to protect their loved one from disappointment may even lead to them inadvertently acting as an obstacle to the loved one’s attempt to change and recover. 

The notions that unstable people are difficult, they do things that harm others on purpose or are just seeking attention with their actions, are woefully common. Such attitudes can be seen, for example, when an emotionally unstable person’s experiences and accounts are not taken seriously. When a person learns to examine difficult behaviour as emotional dysregulation specifically, they may interact in a more compassionate and accepting manner. Thinking that the other person lacks emotional regulation skills, that they are perhaps unable to directly express their emotions or even unable to fully understand their own emotional experiences and that is what is causing them to act in harmful ways is entirely different from thinking that they are just a difficult person. 

Emotional regulation skills can be learned, but an unstable person needs help with this from their loved ones and a professional alike. When learning emotional regulation skills, it helps when you talk about emotions openly, name and describe your own emotions and show compassion and interest towards the other person’s learning. You can talk about the content of this information programme together and think about how well it represents your loved one’s emotions and life.  

As a loved one, you should aim to have an accepting attitude towards both your own situation and that of the other person. Acceptance does not mean that you should like problems or difficult experiences, or that you should remain passive when facing them. Accepting facts as they are leaves room for all emotions, compassion and actions that will lead you towards solutions. 

Some things are more difficult to accept than others. For example, today’s weather is probably easier to take as a pleasant, neutral or unpleasant fact than having an argument with a loved one or feeling tired, worried or upset. But like the weather, you can try to accept your emotions and those of the other person as a pleasant, neutral or unpleasant fact. 

How do you accept emotions? 

• In order to be able to accept emotions, you must give them space and time. So stop: drop everything you are doing for a moment. Focus your attention gently on what you are experiencing right now. What kind of thoughts do you notice in your mind, what emotions can you notice in your mind and body?  
• Try to see if you are judging your thoughts and emotions in your mind (“I mustn’t think like this,” “what a ridiculous feeling,” “what am I whining about here?”). If you have such judgmental thoughts, you should just mentally note them. There is no need to berate yourself for having them.  
• You can ask yourself what things in the present moment are within and beyond your control. Regarding the things that are beyond your control, you should just say: “It is what it is. This makes me feel bad and I wish I could change things. However, there is nothing I can do about this at the moment.” 
• Focus your attention on what things you can influence and what course of action would be in line with your values. If necessary, use problem solving techniques. It is easier to accept things that feel bad when you know that you are doing what you can.  

If you do not accept your loved one’s actions, you can tell them directly while also stressing that they are still important to you and loved. Not accepting something does not mean leaving the loved one alone and without support or security. You should adopt this kind of dialectical approach in which opposing sides can coexist and encourage your loved one to do the same.  

Often the best way to help anyone in a difficult situation is to support them in basic everyday things. Particularly when the other person is having an acute crisis, the most important thing is to make sure that they get enough sleep, eat, take their medication if they have a prescription, and avoid substances. You can also encourage your loved one to exercise and do other things that they enjoy. You can also provide support by doing these things with them. 

A loved one can also serve as a source of security for an unstable person through their actions and communication. It is imperative that the loved one be consistent and reliable, as instability may infer a significant sense of insecurity and difficulties with tolerating changes. As a loved one, you can help the other person create everyday routines, for example by scheduling your next meeting, trip to the grocery store or walk. You should inform the other person of any changes in good time, and you should also prepare to give space for the emotions stirred up by the change.  

Emotional instability is often related to experiences of failure and other people’s negative attitudes. As such, honest positive feedback and encouragement can be necessary and welcome remedial experiences.  

Many may also have experiences with their experience and emotions not being heard and taken seriously. Instability may be related to recurring experiences of not being allowed to show or feel a certain emotion, and the person may still feel fear or shame about openly expressing their emotions. This calls for plenty of reassurance that expressing vulnerable emotions is safe and allowed. This validation shows the other person that their experience is real and understandable, and that there is nothing wrong or shameful about the emotion that they are feeling. However, any behaviour and interpretations that are harmful to the person themselves or others should not be validated.